Familiars of Zero: A Serial Anthology
by Mislagnissa
Summary: A series of concurrent, multi-part stories in which Louise summons various colorful characters with their own checkered pasts and agendas, one parallel universe at a time. These are the stories of gods, devils, saints, Saitos, and the forbidden love of a princess and her prince rescued by timely intervention...
1. The Five Parallel Saitos

"Oh shut up, all of you!" cried Louise. The other students stopped laughing as she turned to them.

"I am sick and tired of you belittling me! Even if I can't cast spells like the rest of you, I have more magic in my little finger than you all have in your entire bodies combined! In the name of the founder, the pentacle of the five elements, and the Lord God in Heaven above, I swear upon my sisters, my parents, and all ancestors that I will summon the greatest familiar of all ti—"

BOOM!

Apparently, Louise was too busy berating her classmates to realize she was going through the motions of casting a spell at the same time. The resulting smoke was quite dense, and left the other students coughing and sputtering while the Professor called for everyone to remain calm. Louise, being used to the explosions, wasn't fazed, though her vision was impaired. As the smoke began to clear, she noticed a shape on the ground about ten feet away from her.

Scratch that, _five_ shapes.

Lying on the ground were three young boys about her age, a dark-skinned white-haired youth in orange and black clothing that resembled that of a navy captain, and a black wolf-like animal. The three young boys all had the same features, but that was where their similarities ended. One of them wore a blue shirt and pants, and to Louise's horror she could see ten greenish tendrils or tentacles growing from his lower back, spread limply around him like an octopus.

The second was naked aside from a pair of torn trousers and rusty manacles around his wrists and ankles; bizarrely, his head sprouted a shock of black feathers instead of hair, his hands and feet resembled the talons of a bird instead of human extremities, and feathers grew from various parts of his body in irregular patches; much to her horror (more so than with the first boy), the boy was dirtied and bloodied, his wrists and ankles rubbed raw by the manacles and his back was crisscrossed with several fresh, bleeding slashes as if from a whip.

But the feathered boy's condition wasn't as nearly immediately fatal as the third boy's. The third boy wore similar clothes to the first, though they were severely torn. Various parts of his body has been grafted or replaced with metallic prostheses clearly more advanced than any mechanical object Louise had ever seen. More pressing, however, was the large gash in his side, leaking blood and a white fluid that has no business leaking out of a human body.

Beside the three boys was a black wolf, that, as Louise watched, magically changed like the shifting of mist into yet another black-haired foreign-featured boy, completely naked and covered in dirt, but otherwise unharmed.

"What the…" Louise began, unable to process all these things at once. The students around her likewise began murmuring to one another, too shocked to respond to the two horribly injured boys lying on the ground.

The white-haired, black-skinned boy regained consciousness only seconds later, quickly getting to his feet and scanning the area around him. Much to Louise and the student's horror, he had pointed ears, which clearly suggested he was an elf of some kind. Professors Colbert quickly assumed a combat stance, preparing for the elf's homicidal frenzy. The elf, however, ignored them after glancing at them once, before his eyes settled on the two bleeding, unconscious boys at his feet.

He quickly yelled something unintelligible at the assembled students, before kneeling beside the boys and chanting more unintelligible words and waving his hands. His hands immediately glowed with white light, and the wounds on the two boy's bodies began healing rapidly. The elf repeated this action two more times before seeming satisfied, and then glanced back at the students and professor.

He spoke again in his unintelligible language, clearly frustrated. Professor Colbert stepped forward and responded, confident that the strange elf wasn't here to attack anyone if he hadn't already, but still on his guard.

"We don't understand what you're saying. Could you switch to Tristainian?"

The dark elf blinked, and then slapped his own forehead. He cast a spell over himself before replying.

"I said, get a doctor, or a medic, or something! These two kids need medical attention. They're stable for now, but they'll need rest to recover."

Professor Colbert quickly shooed the students away, except for Louise, and then told her to stay where she was while he left to fetch help. Louise, suddenly regaining her senses, stepped forward.

"Who are you?" she asked. The dark elf glanced at her.

"Are you the one who teleported me here?"

"Will you kill me if I say yes?"

"No. In fact, I'm rather glad you did." He stood up and approached, offering his hand, and smiled.

"My name is Saito Hiraga, of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Tokugawa, Wizard and Prelate Extraordinaire and direct descendant of the Scorpion King himself. A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss…?"

Louise glanced at the offered hand, before tentatively reaching out her own and taking it.

"Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière, youngest daughter of the Duke de La Vallière." She glanced up at him sheepishly.

"So you're not going to kill me?" The dark elf raised his eyebrows.

"Why would you think I would do that?"

"Elves hate humans and want to exterminate us."

"Well, I'm not one of those particular elves." _My people just use humans as slaves,_ he was careful not to say. "The elves of your land are different from those of my land. Where I come from elves are tree-huggers who consider humans to be uncivilized fools who despoil nature, but they aren't genocidal."

"They? You mean you're not an elf?"

"I'm a dark elf."

"I've never heard of that. What's the difference?"

"Dark elves have dark skin, obviously, and we live in hot jungles and worship the Scorpion King."

"Didn't you say the Scorpion King was your ancestor?"

"Yes, I—"

"Oh, my head!" Louise and the dark elf were interrupted when the boy with tentacles growing out of his back suddenly sat up and moaned.

"Ah! What are you?!" Louise cried, suddenly remembering him.

"Huh?"

"He can't understand you, Miss Vallière."

"What? Why not?"

"Different languages. I'm using a _tongues_ spell."

"Oh."

The dark elf walked over to the boy and spoke a few words to him. The boy responded, sounding confused. They went back and forth a few times before the dark elf stepped away from him and turned back to Louise.

"Well?" she asked.

"To answer your first question, he says he's the son of a god named Cluhlulaluh or something."

"It's Cthulhu! Cthulhu!" The other boy corrected.

"Oh, and apparently his name is Saito Hiraga, same as me."

Louise simply stared at him, her mouth opening and closing like a fish's.

"Ahwoo!" The three turned to the nude, dirt-and-leaves-covered boy (who had previously been a wolf), who had just regained consciousness and was stretching as though waking from sleep.

"Ayee!" Louise cried, quickly turning away, cheeks red with embarrassment.

"Ahh!" The boy likewise cried, quickly covering himself. "Where am I?! This isn't my house!"

He glanced up at the two moons hanging in the sky. "That isn't my sky!"

The dark elf and the tentacled "demigod" (though he was quite scrawny for a demigod) both glanced at each other. While it wasn't immediately obvious, both of them had at least a hypothetical understanding of interstellar travel (in the dark elf's case, practical knowledge of how to pilot a spelljammer helm), which meant that they were, at the very least, not _completely_ lost by the change in scenery. Everyone else, on the other hand, did _not_.

This was going to be a _long_ day.

_Tristain Academy Infirmary, One Hour Later_

Louise stared at the two boys lying in the two beds in the school infirmary. She'd thought she'd have been happy to have summoned not one, but _five_ familiars, each of which was an intelligent magical creature of some kind. But she wasn't happy. These familiars were so strange that she had no context in which to put them. She was _confused_.

The dark elf was nearby, sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. The tentacle boy and the wolf boy were sitting in other chairs next to him. Thankfully they'd been able to find the wolf boy a change of clothes, or else he would've died of embarrassment. The dark elf glanced up from the book he was writing in.

"A copper for your thoughts?" he asked.

"Who could've done this? Who attacked them?" she asked back.

"He was a slave," he said, gesturing to the boy with feathers. "And _he_ was attacked and left to die." He gestured to the boy with mechanical enhancements.

"You should be glad. You're the one who saved them," he said.

"I know should feel that way, but… you're all so strange."

"Well, you're just as strange to us," the tentacle boy piped up.

"And we're just as strange to each other, even if we have the same names and faces," the wolf boy finished for him.

That was another thing that Louise found really confusing. The two Saitos and the elf had the same names and faces; even most of their personalities were identical. While they were unconscious, the same was probably true for the feathered Saito and the Saito with metal body parts. The two conscious Saitos had called him a "cyborg," but no one knew what the feathered Saito was.

The betentacled Saito and the Saito who had been a wolf had mentioned something about "parallel realities" and "syfy novels," but Louise couldn't make heads or tails of it and the dark elf didn't understand it either. Suffice to say, it had been made clear to her that none of the boys were from this _planet_. Which was another thing that should've made her happy, being able to summon familiars across such unimaginably vast distances, but again it was too far outside her realm of comprehension.

"What's with you?" she asked, pointing at the Saito who had been a wolf. "You were a wolf when I summoned you here, but then you changed into a boy. What are you?"

"I'm a werewolf," he said, grinning. "Haven't you seen a werewolf before, Hermione?" He and the betentacled Saito chuckled at their little in-joke. Neither Louise nor the dark elf understood why they insisted on calling her "Hermione."

"Stop calling me that! My name is Louise Françoise—never mind," she said, giving up. "What's a werewolf, anyway?"

"A person who can change into wolf," wolfboy explained.

"And that's it?"

"That's it."

Louise sighed. She turned and moved back to the unconscious feathered boy. She unconsciously swallowed.

The poor kid had been seriously abused, and apparently for a while, judging by the faded scars all over his limbs and torso. Oddly, his face was still pristine.

Louise tentatively reached out a hand, and brushed a loose feather behind his ear. That turned out to be a mistake.

The boy's eyes popped wide open and focused on her. Immediately, the boy began thrashing and screaming in his own language.

Louise jumped back and cried out in shock. The dark elf quickly stood up and ran to the boy's side, trying to calm him down.

"You're safe! You're safe!" He repeated.

After a few more moments of panicking, the feathered boy finally settled down. He sat up in the bed, breathing heavily. He looked up at the dark elf.

"I'm really safe? They're not here?" he said.

"No one's going to hurt you anymore. I swear. What's your name?"

"I'm Saito. Saito Hiraga."

"Can you tell me what happened to you, Saito?"

"The Raven."

"Who?"

"He took me. He made me sing, steal, fight. I ran through the thorns. Now I'm here."

The dark elf thought for a moment.

"Do you have any friends, family?"

"They weren't home any more. I couldn't find them." The boy's eyes began tearing up.

"Alright, I think it's time for you to rest," the dark elf finished.

The feathered Saito curled up on the bed, and the dark elf gently pulled up the blanket. He turned back to Louise.

"Don't startle him again. He's clearly traumatized." Louise looked at her feet guiltily.

"What did he say?"

"Not much. His name's Saito. He has no family."

Louise swallowed. She hadn't thought about that. Did she just drag people away from their homes and families? Summoning suddenly seemed a lot less fun than she had thought.

At that moment, the door opened and Professor Colbert and Headmaster Osmond strolled in.

"Headmaster!" Louise said.

"Good day, Miss Vallière. Are these the familiars you summoned?"

"Y-yes. They are."

The dark elf suddenly burst out laughing. Louise, Colbert and Osmond stared at him. He laughed for a few more moments before regaining his composure.

"I'm sorry," he began, "but are you saying we were summoned to be _familiars_?"

"Yes, you were summoned as part of the spring summoning ritual, a sacred ritual that all second-year students are required to perform," Osmond replied. He held his chin in thought. "But I've never heard of anyone summoning five familiars at once, much less familiars of your… variety."

"Does this mean you'll send us back?" Wolfboy and tentacleboy asked. Osmond glanced over at them.

"Send you back? Why would you want to go back?"

The three Saitos simply stared at him as though he had grown a second head.

"We have responsibilities back home. Friends, families, jobs, everything! What did you think we were doing before we were summoned here?" the dark elf explained.

Louise began to feel even guiltier and stared down at her feet.

"Oh. Quite right," Osmond replied. "Unfortunately, there's isn't a spell to send you back. We never needed one before."

"So we're stuck here?" The three Saitos cried simultaneously.

"For the time being, yes. I'm terribly sorry, but there's nothing I can do." And with that, Osmond turned and left, predicting that they wouldn't react well.

The dark elf clutched his head in horror.

"Dear gods!" he thought aloud. "Sakura is going to think I died along with the ship! She'll shack up with my best friend and he'll raise my unborn daughter as his own! This is terrible!"

Wolfboy and tentacleboy glanced at him, then at each other, then back.

"Yeah, your problems are definitely worse than ours, man," they said simultaneously.

At this point, Louise just fell to her knees and began sobbing.

_Tristain Academy Wall, That Evening_

Louise walked down the castle parapet. A few meters away, Tokugawa was leaning against a crenel, chin on his hands in a steepling pose, and staring up at the two moons. She walked toward him, but stopped a few steps away.

"I can understand if you hate me," she said. He glanced at her.

"I don't hate you," he said. "If it wasn't for you I really would be dead right now." He chuckled. "So there's that."

Louise let out a sigh of relief. Tokugawa also sighed, though mournfully.

"I just wish I could feel her scales one last time." Louise froze and then did a double take.

"Wait, did you say scales?"

"Yes." She stared at him as though he'd grown a second head.

"Why would your wife have scales?"

"She's a kobold."

"A what now?" He gesticulated with one hand.

"About three feet tall, looks like the lovechild of a lizard and a dog that's learned to walk on two legs."

Louise began to say "Why would you marry _that_?" but stopped herself.

"Why is your wife not a dark elf like you?" she asked instead.

"The Republic is very progressive." Louise raised her eyebrows.

"Progressive?"

"Among other things, we treat goblins, orcs, trolls, ogres, bugbears, gnolls, giants and countless other marginalized races as people rather than using them as target practice."

"But orcs are ruthless savages who raid villages and _eat children_!"

"Because you humans are constantly oppressing them! If you actually bothered to open relations with them, give them supplies, medicine, birth control, culture, and education, they can be surprisingly pleasant people. Half of the races in the Republic used to eat _their own children_ before we just euthanized all the adults and raised the children under our own culture." They stared at each other for a few moments.

"Well, I suppose that's one to civilize those revolting savages."

"I'm glad you think so." A quizzical expression came over Louise.

"Why birth control?" He gave her a deadpan expression.

"Many of those humanoids have high rates of reproduction, and don't have access to birth control herbs like humans do. Their populations explode beyond what they can support on their own, forcing them to raid other humanoids for supplies. Eating their own children is inefficient."

"I never knew any of that," she said.

"I'm not surprised. Most planets are uncivilized like that. Thankfully benevolent overlords like Sauron, the Shadow Lord, and Darkenrahl decided to put a stop to all that ethnic cleansing nonsense."

"Who are they?"

"You see, centuries ago people like them united the oppressed races on various worlds and led them to overthrow the ruling demi-human _bourgeoisie_. Then they developed spelljammer helms and starships to spread the message of peace and equality to the stars. And that's how the Democratic People's Republic of Planes and Planets came to be."

"You said you were from another planet millions of kilometers away, but what does that mean exactly? I don't quite understand."

He pointed at the night sky.

"See those stars? Every single one of them is a flaming ball of hot gas, some not unlike your sun. Much as how this world orbits your sun, other worlds orbit some of those stars. Some of those worlds harbor life not unlike us. I come from one such world." Louise nodded.

"I see. But that doesn't explain why there would be identical twins from different worlds. How does that make sense?"

"You believe in the afterlife, don't you?" Louise nodded. "Well, I'm not an expert on the matter, but according to wizards who study the planes, all these stars and the worlds orbiting them are collectively known as the Prime Material Plane. The various afterlives are other planes, separate but connected to the Prime Material. However, there are theorized to be _other_ Prime Material Planes like this one."

"Other planes? So there could be another Halkegenia on another plane?" He nodded.

"Exactly. Some of the other Primes may be nearly identical to this one, while others could be drastically different. Likewise, there could be different instances of the same person, who lived different lives but have similar appearances and personalities." He chuckled.

"Of course, now we know that to be a fact and not a theory. Too bad we can't tell the wizards back home about this. It would open whole new fields of study."

"I suppose that would be true," said Louise. "We don't have any understanding of other worlds like your mages do, but I think it would be fascinating to study."

"Maybe you could become my apprentice sometime?" The dark elf offered.

Louise shook her head.

"I can't," she said. He cocked his head.

"Why not?" Louise sighed.

"I can't perform magic." Tokugawa narrowed his eyes.

"But you summoned us here. You can certainly perform magic."

"That's the only thing I can perform right. Every other spell I try to cast just creates an explosion."

"Then you're being taught the wrong class of magic." She perked up at that.

"Wrong class of magic? What other class is there?"

"Lots, actually. Wizards, sorcerers, witches, alchemists, bards, artificers, mystics, oracles, favored souls, warlocks, et cetera. We just have to find a caster class that fits your abilities." Louise was overjoyed at this news.

"So you can help me?"

"Of course. I need you to answer some questions first. How do you use magic? Do you prepare spells in advance or cast them spontaneously? How do you learn spells? Is there a limit to the number of spells you can know at one time? Are you an arcane or divine caster? Does your magic require gold as a fuel source? What are your—"

Louise simply stared at him in complete lack of comprehension as he rattled off a list of questions. Magic where he was from sounded _really_ complex.

"Wait, wait, wait, did you ask if I used gold as fuel source?"

"Yes." She pursed her lips.

"Why would magic use gold as a fuel source?"

"You see, the more powerful spells the Republic makes use of require gold, or things that used to be worth gold before the Republic established a post-scarcity economy, to be expended to power the spell. Gold is also the only substance in the universe that magic in the Republic can't be used to replicate, as strange as that sounds. But thankfully the Republic has opened trading relations with the Elemental Plane of Gold."

"Post-scarcity plane of what now?"

"Post-scarcity economy. It means we use magic to accomplish everything, negating the need for laborers or currency. The Elemental Plane of Gold is exactly what it sounds like: an entire plane representing the platonic ideal of gold and inhabited by elemental beings made of gold, creatures that eat gold, and lots of being that want gold."

"I thought that's what you said."

"Louise, are you alright?" he asked. She appeared to wavering unsteadily on her feet, but waved him off.

"Don't worry about me, I'm perfectly gluaahhgh—" her voiced gurgled as she suddenly fell into a dead faint. Luckily Tokugawa caught her before she could hit the ground.

Maybe being so frank with a lowtech wasn't the best idea.


	2. The Mystic Knight of Wallachia

Guiche's conversation in the courtyard was abruptly interrupted by a booming voice that sounded like a lion which had somehow learned to speak.

"LORD GRAMONT!"

Guiche quickly turned in the direction of the voice, only to be hit in the face by a metal gauntlet sailing gaily through the air. Rubbing his aching cheek, he noticed a large shadow fall over him, and paused in his ministrations to look up.

Looming over him was none other than Valliere's familiar, the blond foreign youth dressed in full plate armor and furs, adorned with the customary crosses and other symbols of his strange faith. Usually, the youth's 5'8" stature would've made the sight comical, but Guiche could only quiver in fear at the sight of the familiar's green eyes literally glowing with rage.

"We challenge you in the place of Siesta," he stated calmly in his heavily accented Tristainian (though he insisted on calling it French). Guiche stood up and laughed.

"You? A mere commoner with pretensions of nobility, challenge ME?"

"You're one to talk! You challenged an innocent maiden to a duel just for the sake your bruised ego, you limp-wristed fairy fop!"

"How dare you—"

"DO NOT BACKSASS US! We are Mircea Szilágyi, Son of the Impaler, Knight of the Order of the Dragon, Baron of Sibiu and Prince of Wallachia!" As Mircea said this, ominous storms cloud began gathering in the sky, and lightning flashed with his every pronouncement.

"Our grandfather was the Vlad the Dragon, Prince of Wallachia. Our father was Vlad the Impaler, Prince of Wallachia. Our brothers were Vlad, Son of the Impaler, and Mihnea the Wicked, Princes of Wallachia. We of the House of Basarab are scions of Attila the Hun, Scourge of God, and of Vikings, Pirates of the North Seas. We have every right to— Gramont?"

Mircea blinked in confusion. While he was dramatically monologuing, Guiche had quietly run off in the opposite direction.

"Huh. Must've taken a bathroom break." He shrugged, the storm clouds immediately clearing and returning to the bright and sunny day it was before. He turned around, finally noticing all the students and servants in the courtyard were standing stock still and staring at him in shock.

"Is there something wrong?" the blond boy asked in confusion.

"Mister, I mean, Prince Mircea…" a stunned Siesta began, standing a yard away, panting from running after him. "But why… why would you defend me? I'm only a mere common—"

"Because we hold to the code of chivalry! It is the sacred duty of all aristocrats to defend their subjects," he cried while holding up a gauntlet-clad fist for emphasis, his eyes shining and his voice full of passion.

"Any noble who treats his subjects like Guiche treated you is unworthy of his title and lands! We will not stand for—my lady?" He was abruptly interrupted by the late arrival of a panting Louise.

"My liege! Don't you dare challenge…" she tried to say, "Lord Gramont… he'll mop the floor… with you?"

"Zero, Guiche left," Kirche cheerfully supplied while walking up to her and waving to Mircea. She and the silent Tabitha had been present for the proceedings.

"He _left_?"

"He ran away with his tail between his legs while the valiant Prince Mircea was announcing his challenge."

"What?!" Mircea roared. "I will not stand for this mockery! GRAMONT!"

_The Day Before_

_Not again_, Louise thought as she coughed through the blinding smoke. But when it cleared, however, she found herself pleasantly surprised.

Standing in the middle of the summoning circle, impeccably groomed despite the explosion, was a handsome youth, who was in an uncomfortable-looking dramatic position, one knee bent and sword held high, as though he was posing for a painting. He wore thick furs and plate armor decorated with jewelry depicting a man being crucified, and the sword in his hand was ornate and slightly too large for him. Were it not for his attire and swarthy features, he could have been mistaken for an upperclassman.

Louise giddily hoped that she had summoned an angel. Meanwhile, most of the female students, after they'd regained their composure, were swooning over the stranger.

The boy spoke a few words and glanced around in confusion, then stood up and strode forward, the golden locks cascading down his back swaying to and fro. He stopped right in front of Louise, and asked her a question. She could only stare uncomprehendingly.

"What?" Recognition flashed in his eyes.

"You speak French, young miss?"

"French? This is the language of Tristain," she explained.

"We— Tristain?" he said in confusion. He glanced around once more, his gaze settling on the distant horizon. His eyes widened.

"Merciful God in Heaven. There are two moons."

"Miss Valliere, if you could finish the ritual, please?" Professor Colbert interrupted.

"Yes professor," she replied. She turned back to her familiar-to-be and grabbed his arm, jolting him out of his reverie.

"What is it, young miss?"

"Could you lean down?" He blinked.

"Why?"

"Because I need to kiss you!" She was looking forward to it, in fact. The boy's face turned beet-red, and he gulped.

"Why do you need to kiss us, young miss?" She sighed in exasperation.

"I summoned you to be my familiar. The contract is sealed with a kiss."

"Familiar? Summoned?" he said in confusion. Then his eyes widened in realization, before narrowing dangerously.

"_We refuse._"

"What?" said Louise in shock.

"You, _young sorceress_, have dragged us God-knows-how-far from our homeland. We do not know where we are and we do not know who _you_ are. The first thing you expect us to do is to become your _pet_? We are a person with rights and responsibilities and, above all, _feelings_! How dare you!" The full gravity of the situation finally hit Louise.

"I didn't—" she tried to apologize. The stranger waggled a finger.

"Ah ah ah. You are going to send us back where we came from, _post haste_, and find some other poor sap to be your _pet_." Louise's face fell.

"I can't."

"You cannot, or will not?"

"No one's ever needed to send a familiar back before. The spell to send you back simply doesn't exist." The boy sighed.

"Then considering our considerable disadvantage as a complete stranger, we have no choice but to accept your proposal." Louise immediately brightened.

"But _we_ will not do so as _your_ _pet_. _You_ will do so as _our_ _vassal_. Henceforth, we, Prince Mircea Tepelus, hereby claim this land in the name of the glorious Holy Roman Empire." Louise eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

"What?! _Prince_?!"

"Enough games. Do you accept or not?" Louise sighed.

"This is positively scandalous! I can't make the contract with you!"

"I said _enough_. Answer the question."

"Yes," Louise meekly responded.

"By what name shall we address you, young sorceress?"

"I am the Lady Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière."

"The pleasure is all mine, I assure you. Now kneel, my newest vassal, so that I may properly knight you."

"Now see here—" Professor Colbert began, but Mircea silenced him with a look.

To the shock of the students, Louise meekly kneeled before the foreign prince. He raised his sword, and knighted here there and then.

"We hereby name you the Marquess Vallière. Your existing titles are retained, but all lands you own or will come to own are now part of the Wallachian Voivodate, and by extension the Holy Roman Empire. You may rise." Louise did so.

"Now," he continued, "finish your witch's _pact_ to signify that I am under your _protection_, not your _servant_."

Louise reluctantly spoke the incantation, and leaned forward to kiss her new familiar, who bowed himself to her height at the same time. The experience was not unpleasant. After she pulled away, a horrifying stench struck her nose.

"What is that smell?!" she cried, recoiling and clutching a hand to her nose and mouth. Mircea removed the gauntlet from his left hand.

On the back of his hand, runes were being branded by an invisible force, the skin sizzling and burning where they were being written. Louise could only look on in horror as Mircea was utterly unmoved by the sensation and smell of his own burning flesh.

A moment later, it was over.

"May I see those runes?" Professor Colbert asked.

"Certainly," Mircea replied, and held out his hand for examination. Colbert quickly pulled out a pencil and paper and copied the runes.

Satisfied, Colbert announced that all students should return to their rooms. He turned to Louise and Mircea.

"Except you two," he said. "Please come with me to see the headmaster."


	3. The Two-Thirds Primordial God

How long had it been? How long since he'd been trapped in this abyss, bound in chains forged at the heart of a dwarf star and cast into the singularity of a collapsing galaxy?

He'd been great, once. When the world was young, his birth signaled the beginning of linear time, of change and growth. But as time went on, his younger relatives began to gradually usurp his portfolio. At last, they grew jealous and fearful of his power, decided that they would no longer suffer his presence.

He sometimes used the world as his playground, but that was hardly unique to him, and he wasn't cruel by nature. But nonetheless the lesser gods bound him, the lord of madness, and trapped him in this dark and lifeless place. It was a lonely existence, and he would've gone mad long ago if he were not already so.

_My servant that existed somewhere in this vast universe…_

What was this? A voice in the dark! That wasn't possible; there was no one here but him.

_My divine, beautiful, wise, powerful servant, heed my call…_

Divine? Indeed, that was obvious. Beautiful? So stunning as to drive mortals to blindness and death. Wise? All-knowing and all-seeing. Powerful? He could've laughed… he was two-thirds primordial, one-third mortal. Servant? Wait, what?! He was no servant!

_I wish from very bottom of my heart, answer to my guidance and appear!_

A doorway appeared in front of him, infinitely close and promising him one thing:

FREEDOM!

Meanwhile, Louise simply sighed in resignation as smoke flooded the courtyard.

Why did she have to fail yet again? All she wanted was to succeed, just once, to prove she was a real mage. Now her hopes were ruined and she would be expelled, sent back home, doomed to await her eventual fate as trophy wife to her dear Wardes.

It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair!

She blinked away tears and wiped her eyes, trying to avoid the irritating smoke. As soon as her hand moved from in front of her face, she came face-to-face with a twenty-foot-tall demonic visage made of pure, scintillating colors, grinning at her with a maw full of teeth.

Louise froze in fear, and around her other students began screaming and running for their lives. Professor Colbert had already assumed a combat stance.

"Don't move," he told her, not that he needed to say it.

The massive face suddenly warped, and condensed into a humanoid shape. The light faded, and left standing before Louise was a being that, though it looked like a youth, was obvious far greater.

The being stood six-feet-tall, his sculpted (though lithe) physique decorated with several black tattoos that seemed to emulate a tiger's stripes, and white feathers and blue beads were tied in the golden hair that cascaded across his shoulders. He wore only a pure white toga, which seemed to be only for the purposes of modesty and left little to the imagination. The being's face was angelic, as though it has been sculpted from marble by a master artisan, and it regarded the pinkette with a pair of kohl-painted golden eyes, pupils elliptical and rippled like a gecko or alligator. Aside from his eyes, his most unusual features were the four sweptback S-shaped bronze horns that, rather than being attached, floated a couple inches away from the sides of his skull.

"Are you the one who summoned me?" it asked in an eerily flanged, deepened register, jarring Louise from her stupor. The girl gulped, and glanced at Colbert, who motioned for her to continue, but did not relax.

"Y-yes?" The being immediately kneeled in front of her.

"I am the Great Serpent Lord Shnissugah, primordial god of transformation, destruction and rebirth. I thank you, mortal, for freeing me from my long imprisonment."

"God? You're a god?"

"As compensation, I name you my new high priestess and hereby take you as my wife." Louise's eyes bulged, as did Colbert's.

"Wife? I can't, I mean—" The being put a finger to her lips.

"There's no need to speak. I can see that you are shocked with joy," he spoke haughtily.

"Miss Valliere, I believe that—"

"Right!" Louise said, interrupting her teacher before he could finish. Her reflexes moving faster than her mind, she quickly chanted the binding ritual and kissed the kneeling god.

"No, wait!" Colbert tried to say, but it was too late

Shnissugah slowly rose and regarded the girl with confusion.

"What an unusual custom," he said. His head perked up and he raised his left hand in front of his face. A runic name had suddenly appeared on the back of his left hand.

"Gandalfr. 'The Left Hand of God,'" he read aloud. "A curious way of signifying a marriage, but somehow appropriate."

Colbert abruptly started, but quickly regained his composure.

"Marriage?! No!" Louise sputtered. "Those are the familiar binding runes. You're my familiar now."

He simply stared at her in incomprehension.

"I fail to see the difference. A familiar's freedom is restricted to serve the needs of its master, and a husband likewise has his freedom restricted to serve the needs of his wife, while master and wife alike must look out for the other's health."

Louise stared at him in horror, finally realizing what she'd done. Colbert let out a chuckle despite himself.

By this time, many of the students began leaving their hiding places after no more explosions or pyrotechnics took place. Many were awed by the inhumanly beautiful and clearly magical being that Louise had summoned.

"I guess the Zero really isn't a Zero after all," the red-headed Kirche spoke dumbly, the salamander beside her staring at the deity with awe.

"Epic," stated Tabitha beside her.

Shnissugah turned away from Louise to face the returning crowd of students. He raised his arms and pointed his fingers skyward, a golden mandala blazing into life behind him.

"Rejoice, for blessed salvation has arrived. Come and bask in the glory that is Lord Shnissugah! Those who praise me and spread the word of my coming shall be rewarded with everlasting life. Your prayers shall be answered if only you believe in me."

"Worship you?" a student said loudly. "That's blasphemy! Brimir is the only god in Halkegenia."

Shnissugah glanced at the student, whose fellows quickly stepped away from him.

"Where is your god now?" the god replied smugly.

The student had no comeback, for while Brimir was worshipped, it was common knowledge that he was merely a very gifted mortal, not a true divinity.

"This is holy ground," the deity proclaimed. "It was here that I was made manifest in this land, and it is here that my temple shall be erected."

Shnissugah dismissively waved his hand, and the mandala behind him faded away.

"But that can come later. It's been an eternity and I am starving!" He turned back to Louise and walked up to her, offering his hand.

"Dearest wife, would you be so kind as to take me to somewhere I might find nourishment? We must cater the celebration of my arrival and our upcoming wedding."

Some of the other students laughed or jeered at her familiar's presumptuousness, but Louise ignored them. She wasn't about to let him walk all over her.

"Not 'wife,' Louise," she replied, looking up at him defiantly. "My name is Louise Françoise Leblanc de la Vallière. I am already engaged to be married to someone else."

"I am a god," he countered. "I can give you anything you can imagine: wealth, power, immortality, the world on a silver platter. Why would you choose a mortal over me?"

"I don't care if you were the king of Albion! I don't love you!"

"And you're engaged out of love to this man?" Louise looked down at her feet.

"Well, no. My parents chose Wardes when I was a small child." She looked back up at him defiantly. "But I've met him, and I'm sure I'll come to love him eventually."

"But somehow you can't c—" He was interrupted by a loud growling sound coming from his abdomen. Both of them glanced at his stomach.

"Oh, that's right, you've not eaten," Louise stated.

"Miss Valliere, you may take your familiar to the castle kitchens. I need to go speak with the headmaster," Colbert stated. He glanced at the assembled students.

"As for the rest of you, please return to your rooms. There's nothing to see here."

Many students grumbled at that. Louise took her familiar's hand and left to visit the kitchens. Meanwhile, a certain redhead starred after them with longing, as did, well, over half of the female students and almost a third of the male students. To anyone who looked upon their visages, there was an obvious reason the gods were called gods.

Shnissugah, on the other hand, was worried about his sudden lack of ability to warp reality as he pleased. It was unfortunate, he thought, that his foreign nature prevented him from simply drawing power directly from the world itself. Thankfully, his status as two-thirds primordial and one-third mortal allowed him to channel the faith of mortals in the same way as the gods of the middle earth, something normally denied to primordials and titans.

Left over from his worship in his previous home, he still possessed a large, though limited, reserve of faith. It would be easy to recoup his loses, he thought, for he could see this world was devoid of any native gods, or at least none that would concern themselves with him. It would be a simple matter of impressing the mortals before they would feed him their faith. Then his power may yet resemble what it once was.

Normally a lack of faith was not a problem, for all three sets of divinities could draw their power from the world, but only the world that spawned them, as he now found out. Of course, that reminded him, his future children with his new wife would be of this world, and by extension more powerful than him all other things being equal. They might decide to imprison him like his previous pantheon. Then, he decided, he would have to not give them a reason to overthrow him. Did children not love a father who provided for them? Perhaps he wouldn't have been imprisoned in the first place if he'd had children to support him, but that was neither here nor there.

_Five Minutes Later_

"You don't know where the kitchens are, do you?"

Louise stopped and glanced as Shnissugah.

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"We've been walking in circles for the past five minutes."

Louise glared at him and tried to stamp his bare foot, but only succeeded in stubbing her toe. While the poor girl hopped on one leg, Shnissugah walked backwards a few paces and grabbed the shoulder of a passing servant.

"Excuse me," he began, "can you lead us to the kitchens? I have a MIGHTY NEED to satisfy my hunger."

The servant, a black-haired woman in an anachronistic French maid uniform, nodded.

"Right this way, Excellency," she said, and inwardly wondered why she used the address 'Excellency.'

Shnissugah turn back to Louise and gestured for her to follow him.

"Louise, if you would?"

Louise stopped hopping and turned to him, grumbling.

"What was that?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said.

When they reached the kitchen, Shnissugah immediately walked to the head chef and engaged him in conversation. Louise, meanwhile, simply took a seat at a wooden table.

Louise was very glad to have summoned such a beautiful and powerful familiar. The problem was that he didn't listen to her commands at all and had claimed her as his wife, and would not take no for an answer. Her parents would be furious. Especially her overprotective mother.

After a few minutes of silent, frantic contemplation, a plate plopped down in front her, jolting her back to reality. She glanced up, confused. Shnissugah had just placed down a plate of small cube-shaped _hors d'oeuvre_.

"Eat," he said. Louise blinked a few times.

"What is it?"

"Ambrosia, the food of the gods. Eating it will make you immortal. So eat."

"I don't want to," Louise responded like a spoiled child.

"This was very difficult to make on such short notice. You're lucky the kitchen had all the ingredients. I poured my heart and soul into this, and I'm not entirely metaphorical when I say that. Please eat."

"No." Louise was adamant.

"Do I have to feed you like a wee babe?" Louise just crossed her arms.

Several of the kitchen staff watched the exchange with barely suppressed laughter.

"You're funeral then," he said, and sat down across from her. He picked up one of the cubes and placed it in his mouth, making an exaggerating moaning noise as he savored the taste.

"It's good," he said after swallowing, and picked up another.

Louise glanced at the plate. The aroma of the ambrosia was almost overpowering this close, and she could feel her mouth watering in spite of her refusal.

"Alright," she said finally. "I'll try just one."

Shnissugah grinned as she picked up one of the cubes and placed it in her mouth. Almost immediately Louise gasped in ecstasy. The taste was amazing… words could not describe it: drinking the finest champagne whilst making the most sensual love in your life, overlaid with the rush of one's first breath of opium... that was just the tiniest hint of what she felt in that moment.

So she started stuffing cubes into her mouth one after the other. Shnissugah's grin faltered, morphing into an expression of surprise.

"I've never seen anyone eat ambrosia that fast before," he stated after Louise had finished. "Care for some nectar as well?"

"I couldn't eat another bite," she replied, her breath heavy with satisfaction.

"Another time then. Now it's time to cast you into the fire and burn away your mortality." Louise squeaked in terror.

"I jest," he said, and she calmed down. "Though it would make the process go much faster."

She glared at him.

Just then, Shnissugah cocked his head, as though listening to something. Rumors were already spreading through the school of his presence and the strange powers he displayed, and some students were already giddily praying to him. There wasn't much belief in the words, but at least it was a start.

"Shnissugah?" He glanced back at Louise.

"It's nothing." He glanced at the nearby serving staff.

"Excuse me," he began, "but could you tell me about your land? I am a foreigner, you see."

The staff was surprisingly helpful. They told him about Tristain, its political situation, the social divide between nobles and commoners, and when prompted, about the numerous abuses of the commoners by the nobility. Other than the nobles in exile, a surprisingly number of commoners actually possessed magical talent that they never received formal instruction in, typically because they were the illegitimate children of nobles, but as this had been going on for many years, several commoner families had magic flowing through their veins. Siesta, the maid who had showed him to the kitchens, had a great-great-grandfather who was a noble in exile, and some of her relatives displayed the gift.

Shnissugah was going to have to win the support of the commoners, and stopping the disgusting excesses of the nobility was the logical step. Oddly, the commoners respected the Princess Henrietta, but only because, unlike many other nobles, she wasn't an arrogant twat. In fact, she was foolishly idealistic and naïve, which made her a perfect target of less scrupulous nobles. He would have to fix that in the future.

Judging by the mentions of how magic was passed on, Shnissugah assumed that it was controlled by two pairs of alleles, like in certain orchid flowers, and that an individual who possessed at least one dominant A allele and one dominant B allele would possess magical talent, though these people clearly had no knowledge of Mendelian genetics, much less traits controlled by two genes. Louie had blanched at the mention of certain students... ahem… "taking advantage of" female (and sometimes male) staff, but the subject of magical inheritance had piqued her interest.

"Why are you so interested in magical inheritance, dearest wife?" Shnissugah asked her.

"I… that is…" the pinkette trailed off.

"Come on, you can tell me," Shnissugah murmured soothingly.

"Did you notice how the others called me the Zero?"

"I haven't gotten around to frying their asses yet." Louise stared at him in slight horror.

"No frying anyone," she said. He nodded reluctantly. "Anyway," she continued, "I can't do magic."

"That's a load of… something revolting. You freed me from a prison devised by the gods themselves. You've got more magic in your little finger than all the people in this school have in their entire bodies combined." Louise blushed at his complement.

"What I mean is, every spell I try to cast creates an explosion instead of what I wanted."

"I fail to see how that's a bad thing. The power of annihilation is a pretty awesome power, especially when you become a goddess. People will worship you because you deserve it, not because they want you to answer their prayers."

"I'm no goddess," she replied.

"You're already on the way to becoming immortal. You ate the ambrosia I gave you."

"And that makes me immortal?" Louise asked incredulously.

"In time, as you continue to eat ambrosia and drink nectar, you will no longer age and mortal weapons will not harm you. It won't give you the power of a god by itself, but I'm sure you'll come up with that on your own."

"But… won't I have to watch everyone I love grow old and die?"

"You can visit them in the afterlife," he explained. "Those who worship me will be granted everlasting life in the hereafter."

"What about people who don't worship you?"

"I'm a foreign god. How do you expect me to know where the souls of Halkegenia's dead go? What does your heathen religion tell you about the afterlife?" Louise perked up.

"That's a very good question," she stated.


	4. The Two-Thirds Primordial God, Part 2

"Where's my bed?" Shnissugah asked as he quickly glanced over Louise's room.

"Um… it's… uh…" Louise was as a loss for words, so she just settled for pointing at the pile of hay in the corner and hoping her familiar wouldn't explode with rage. He glanced at the hay, and then back at her.

"Oh, that's right. You weren't expecting to summon me." He yawned, and then turned to her wardrobe.

"Nice and expensive. This should suffice for now." With that, he pulled open the doors of the wardrobe and walked inside, closing the doors behind him.

"Hey, what are you…?" Louise quickly dashed to the wardrobe and threw open the doors. All that greeted her were her hanging clothes. She blinked in confusion, and then noticed an odd glow in the back of the wardrobe.

The pinkette pushed aside the clothes and walked inside the wardrobe. To her surprise, the back of the wardrobe didn't suddenly end, but continued like a corridor, more clothes than she remembered having hanging around her. She pushed aside a few more clothes, and after she made her way about five feet, the corridor opened into the back of _another_ wardrobe, doors slightly ajar.

Louise pushed open the doors and suddenly found herself looking on a posh chamber that reminded her of illustrations from the _Saharan Nights_ she'd read as a child. Lush crimson curtains hung from the walls and ceiling, piles of crimson plush cushions were scattered everywhere, and several glass lamps cast the room in a pleasant orange glow.

Louise wondered how this was even possible. There was now an entire room inside her wardrobe. Clearly Shnissugah had done this with his strange magic.

"Shnissugah? Where are you?"

"Could you at least bother to knock?"

Louise turned around at the sound of his voice, but quickly squeaked and shielded her eyes at the sight of him.

"Dear Founder! Put some clothes on!"

"This _is_ my house, you know. It's customary for us gods to relax like this."

"Well here in Halkegenia we have very a strong sense of modesty!"

While they argued Louise kept resisting the very strong urge to peek at him and his godliness.

"You are my _wife_. You are going to be seeing much more of this gorgeous body in the future."

"I'm not your wife! I don't want to see your gorgeous body! Ever!"

"I can tell that you're lying. You're peeking through your fingers!"

Louise simply growled in frustration and turned back the way she came, walking right into the wardrobe doors and knocking herself in the forehead. The pinkette was out like a light for all of two seconds.

When she came to, groggily, she found herself lying on a bed of pillows, her forehead throbbing. She sat up and rubbed the painful spot, groaning. She looked down and saw that she was inexplicably wearing her nightgown. Then she noticed Shnissugah nonchalantly lounging beside her, an arm's breadth away, sipping a red fluid from a large wine glass, with a scarlet silk scarf draped over his nakedness. Next to him sat a small tub of ice containing a few wine bottles, also filled with the ruby liquid.

When he noticed her looking at him, he offered her the glass.

"Care for some nectar? It will get rid of that headache."

Louise stared at the glass for a few moments, before taking it from his hand and guzzling the sweet, mind-numbing liquid in a few gulps. He simply stared at her incredulously while she handed him the empty glass, wiped her mouth and asked him a question.

"Where are my clothes?"

"I sent them to be washed."

"How did you change my clothes?"

"I just snapped my fingers and it was done."

"So you didn't… no, I would've noticed that."

"Not until after the wedding, sweetie… or whenever you say the following words." Then, in an eerily perfect imitation of Louise's voice, he sang endearingly off-key, "Git on up on the bed! Cuz we're gonna nookie ookie ookie 'til you just can't nookie no more!'" He grinned, but Louise was annoyed.

"I am _not_ going to sleep with you." He made an attempt to stare her down with huge baby alligator eyes. Louise glared at him in annoyance.

"Forget it. I will…" she trailed off as a rain of cherry blossoms began to fall down from nowhere in particular.

"No! No amounts of sweet-smelling flowers are going to convince me otherwise." The pinkette stood up, walked over the wardrobe and opened the doors.

"I'm going to bed… in my _own_ room. And don't try to follow me," she added.

She absently noticed that Shnissugah's horns had been "detached" and stuck to the outside of the doors as the handles. She shrugged and walked inside. Once she was back in her bedroom, Louise sighed and lay down on her bed, pulling the covers over her small body.

Whether she wanted it or not she was now the High Priestess of a new religion, and her god wanted a personal relationship with her. Not that she wasn't flattered by his persistence and theatrics, but she already loved Wardes.

A man she met as a child and hadn't seen in several years. A man she, in fact, barely knew at all. Despite knowing him for all of _one day_, she knew loads about Shnissugah's personality and behavior. He was kind, narcissistic, lackadaisical, gorgeous, dirty-minded, literally god-like, and chose make her his queen as a reward for summoning him. All in all, not a particularly bad deal. Wait… what?

Louise mentally kicked herself.

Back inside the wardrobe, Shnissugah released the wine glass, which floated across the room and set itself on a small night table. He lay down and closed his eyes.

He was just about to fall asleep when he heard a prayer. "Heard" wasn't exactly the right word… more like "telepathically intercepted." The prayer wasn't even being said aloud or whispered, just… _thought_. Really, really strongly.

"Lord Snissugah, if you're really listening, I have a favor to ask you. I'm not religious and I haven't prayed in years. But… if there's even the slightest chance that you're real… My mom, see, she's sick. Someone tried to poison me, and she drank the poison instead. It… drove her insane. She…" The decidedly female "thought speech" broke into a short mental sob before continuing.

"Please help her. Amen."

That was the most serious prayer Shnissugah had heard that day, and he was truly touched. He could taste some actual belief in that prayer, however little. It was also an excellent opportunity to perform a miracle. Once that was out of the way, the girl would start telling other people, and they too would begin to pray to him and worship him if their fortunes took a right turn.

So he snapped his fingers, and just like that, the prayer was answered and the girl's mum was instantly cured wherever in the world she was.

_The Next Morning_

"Hey pookie, I made you breakfast in bed!"

Louise sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. Shnissugah was standing in front of her, holding a tray of food. Sunlight was streaming through the window.

"What time is it?"

"Oh, I let you sleep in. You need the sleep after the life-changing event is that meeting me. Since there's literally nothing the school can teach a void mage like you, you should sleep in every day and not bother to go to class."

"What? Void mage?" Shnissugah smiled at her.

"I looked through some books at the library. I'm guessing that since you don't have aptitude for the regular four elements, you must be a void mage, whatever that means. It's the only logical explanation and your school is run by morons not to have figured something that simple. Now eat up," he added, setting the tray in her lap.

Louise simply stared at him in amazement. Then she shrugged and picked up a fork.

"I have to go talk the headmaster about his unruly students abusing the poor serving staff and try not to strangle the damned fool in the process. Toodles!"

And with that Shnissugah opened and walked out the door, closing it behind him.

_So I'm probably a void mage, _Louise thought. _It would fit the— oh for the love Brimr how could I be so stupid not to realize this?!_

Shnissugah, meanwhile, didn't let that question bother him as he whistled while walking down the hall. He suddenly stopped and began rubbing his ear as he heard another prayer in his mind. It was something having to do with a student who was two-timing. Shnissugah simply willed the prayer answered and didn't think about it again.

Contrary to popular belief, phenomenal cosmic power did not mean he could mess with free will. He could, however, induce a person to fall in love with someone else… or some_thing_ else. This was almost never used for trivial or petty affairs like school ground romances, but for things like causing the wives of kings to leave their husbands for idiot boys gifted by a god or goddess of love, which tended to result in horrible wars that left thousands maimed or dead. Thankfully, this _particular_ prayer was of the trivial kind.

Meanwhile, in the food court, Guiche de Gramont was rubbing his red aching cheeks (the ones on his face) when two figures obscured his view of the courtyard. Guiche glanced up to see Katie and Montmorency standing in front of him, expressions of guilt on their faces.

"Oh Guiche, I'm so sorry I slapped you," Katie stated.

"It was silly of us to get jealous," Montmorency added.

"There's no reason we can't share," the girls said in unison. "If you know what we mean," they added with knowing smiles.

Guiche simply stared at them in amazement for several moments, and then his mouthed turned up and widened into a huge poor horny fool had no idea how complicated his life was going to become.


End file.
